The Hidden Dangers of Sacrificing Your Authenticity

We are hardwired for connection.  It's the Stone Age blueprint we came into this world with. No matter where we are born or under what circumstances we are born, our first obligation is to connect. It is a survival instinct on par with fight-or-flight.  We need connection not just because it’s nice, but because it’s how we survive. 

Attachment is non-negotiable. 

“We’re born with a need for attachment and a need for authenticity.”- Gabor Maté 

Attachment is that drive to connect. Authenticity is our ability to acknowledge our emotions and interests, and then to act on them in a way that aligns with who we truly are.

The dynamic between the two begins in infancy. 

Human babies with our soft, hairless skin, our inability to move on our own for months after birth, our lack of claws or sharp teeth to defend ourselves, would never survive without our caretakers. When given the choice between authenticity and connection, children will always, 100 percent of the time, choose connection.

The distance at which newborns can see is 12 inches; the distance between their eyes and the eyes of someone holding them.  Babies mimic our facial expressions, our hearts will entrain with theirs, our breathing will synchronize, we feel connected.  It is hormonal, it is emotional, it is neurological.  It is instinctual. 

And we become trained to go against our instincts.  

We come into the world fully embodied, fully in touch with our gut instincts and our emotions(even though we don’t have words for these things).  We are fully capable of communicating what we are experiencing.  But by the time we reach adulthood we repress a great deal of that. 

Because babies have no words they rely on nonverbal modes of communication and get very good at it.  

They rely on facial cues and body language.  With these tools they ask, “Can I sink into these arms?  Will they hold me up?  Will you get me what I need? Will you keep me safe? ”  

Babies have fantastic energetic radars.  They know when the energy is off in their environment and they will fuss because it's uncomfortable.  They are the masters of reading a room. 

And infants are completely dependent on caregivers. 

As humans, we need attachment to survive physiologically.  We need attachment so that our caregivers are willing to meet our needs, soothe us in times of distress, and play with us.  

All of this impacts the wiring of our brain at a deep, physiological level. This continues throughout childhood, as our brains develop.

In an ideal world, children grow up with space to be themselves. They can express their dissatisfaction and cry loudly when they are having big feelings. They can jump for joy and laugh with abandon.  And their caregivers would ideally acknowledge and hold  space for this expression.   

Often, it doesn't work out that way.  

When it is unsafe in childhood to fully express our needs and feelings, if our moods, emotions or experiences aren't predominantly attended to or ‘allowed’ by our caregivers, our nervous system will make note of that and create a strategy that does keep us safe and connected to those who we depend on for survival.  

Most likely that strategy is to suppress our authentic expression and put on whatever mask is acceptable to our caregivers. 

And we will continue to do what is necessary to find and keep that connection. We can live without our authenticity more than we can survive without our caregiver relationships. 

If our caregivers stiffen up or don’t respond when we cry we will learn to stop asking for what we need.   

As we grow we continue to seek out connection and with it safety. Even if it risks authenticity.  

For example, if we were told, or given the impression, that being angry is ‘wrong,’ that showing that emotion is ‘bad,’ we will suppress it in order to be loved.  We will play the part of the good girl, we will go along to get along, we will let others make the decisions so we don’t have to feel angry and resentful.  

These lessons can be overt; being told that anger is wrong or being punished for our expression of it by being sent to our room or being told to be quiet. 

Or more subtly through reactions we notice in our caregivers; the looks of pain on their faces when we squeal in delight or their withdrawal when we cry with sadness.   

Maybe they are simply too caught up in their own stress and struggles to be attuned to what is happening but the result is the same; surrendering a part of me for the comfort of you.  

We will ask ourselves, “What reaction or expression of myself is comfortable to them?” 

Then we choose that one and we reuse it as long as it provides connection. 

We take this need into adolescence and although it is a time to step into our unique self expression we will often conform to our friendships because that is the only way we know how to find connection.

We learn to hide ourselves, our emotions, and sacrifice our authenticity and self-expression in favor of preserving our attachments to our partners.

We think our way through life instead of feeling our way through because we can’t trust our own emotions.  We say yes to situations that don’t feel right.  We make ourselves small and invisible.  We act differently depending on who we are with.  We become people-pleasers. 

We give up our real selves bit by bit in the hope of emotional connection.   

As adults the anxiety of continuing to overlook our authenticity can be overwhelming; part of us wants to belong and part of us just really wants the freedom to be ourselves.  This conundrum can lead us to hide ourselves from ourselves in order to soothe the distress.  

This only makes it worse as we get further away from who we truly are.   In some cases, we may be so distanced from our authentic needs and feelings that we don’t even know what they are.

Being a chameleon can be a superpower and it can be exhausting.

This all ends up in the body.  The emotional system is directly linked to the immune system.  Both are created to allow in what is healthy and nourishing and supportive and to keep out what is toxic and dangerous.  

When we don’t learn how to express our entire range of healthy human emotions we can end up in unsupportive and potentially toxic situations and relationships.  

Our immune system follows suit and begins to have trouble distinguishing between healthy and toxic, between self and other.   

Our threat response is turned on and the nervous system is chronically scanning the  environment for threat and then adapting with people pleasing and/or a Fawn response.   

This uses a great deal of energy and we end with auto -immune issues affecting all systems of the body; Fibromyalgia, Grave’s and Hashimoto’s, Celiac and Inflammatory Bowel Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Type 1 Diabetes, and Multiple Sclerosis.  

As an infant and a young child you had no choice in the matter, you had to choose attachment.  That is no longer true.  You can choose authenticity.

Look for the places in your life where you have fun.  Look for the places where you find ease.  Those are markers of authenticity.  Notice when you light up, what interests you, and when you feel the most ‘you.’ The things that bring you curiosity, engagement, and presence are clues steering you towards authentic self-expression. 

You can start small, simply noticing what you find interesting.  Baby steps will still lead you back to yourself.  

Spend more time in these arenas noticing how that feels in your body.  How does it feel in your feet, your belly, your chest to take up space when you are having fun, when you are curious, when you are in “flow”?  

Check in with yourself every week and ask these questions:

• Where did I have trouble saying No?

• What was the impact of me not saying No?

• What was I afraid would happen if I said No?

• Who would I be if I had said No?

• What didn’t I say Yes to?

Curbing your self expression in order to receive some form of connection helped you survive as a child.  That’s pretty amazing and you don’t have to keep applying these strategies of self-sacrifice, dismissal of your emotions, and  one-way connections. Change is possible.  

 ************

I offer one-on-one somatically-based guidance to help stressed out and anxious women calm their nervous systems, so they can get in touch with their deep body wisdom, trust their inner truth, and connect to all that they are. 

Find out if you could benefit from my approach or drop me a note and tell me what you need.